The Nouveau Riche is a short series of comic dialogues about a well-to-do and well educated family and the family's personal assistant, Jake. The parents are controllnig and meddlesome; the children are precocious and compliant. Originally intended as a creative writitng excercise for my blog, I may develop these further in the future.
The characters are Mom and Dad (38 and 42), Christopher and Angela (17 and 13), and Jake (32). Jake is gay.
Mom, Dad, and Jake are at breakfast.
Dad: Jake, please reschedule my 10 a.m. meeting. Ok. What is it, dear?
Mom: Can we now discuss Christopher's future?
Dad: Certainly.
Mom: Where are we sending him to college?
Dad: Cambridge. He's to study politics at Cambridge.
Mom: But he wants to study genetic engineering at MIT.
Dad: Yes, I know. But he's not going to become some brilliant scientist; that's Angela's—that's our daughter's—future. I'm grooming Christopher for politics and I want him to have the reputation of having had a classical education.
Jake: Like the one that you were denied in the Bronx?
Dad: Exactly, Jake. And besides, it's only his undergraduate degree, for heaven's sake. We'll send him someplace here in America for graduate school.
Jake: He needs a tan. He's not gonna get one in England. . .
Dad: Well, we'll get him a spa membership while he's over there. Take care of it, Jake.
Jake: Will do. Oh, and. . .
Dad: Yes, Jake?
Jake: May I select his college wardrobe?
Dad: Certainly. But Jake, please nothing overtly metrosexual.
Mom: Yes! Something a little more masculine than Prince William; and make sure he's over his hip hop phase!
Jake: Done.
Christopher is in his bedroom, playing a video game.
Christopher: You know, Jake, the bearer of bad news always gets the axe.
Jake: Oh, stop being so dramatic; it ain't that bad. You're going overseas to college.
Christopher: To Hawaii?
Jake: You know, you can be such a pain in the ass, sometimes.
Christopher: I learned from the best, Jake.
Jake: And you'll be getting a new wardrobe.
Christopher: It's a good time for it; this hip hop garb has worn thin.
Jake: No kidding.
Christopher: So what wardrobe have mom and dad decreed for me?
Jake: Trust my tastes, Christopher, dear.
Christopher: Of course. . . You know Jake, I've often wondered if I might be gay.
Jake: Aww! Your mother has turned you into such a perfect little snag.
Christopher: "Snag?"
Jake: Look it up online.
Christopher is in his room at his computer. Angela enters.
Angela: Whatcha doing?
Christopher: Looking up a word online.
Angela: What word?
Christopher: Snag.
Angela: Sensitive new age guy?
Christopher: You've talked to Jake.
Angela: Yeah. He told me that your fate had been decided.
Christopher: As has yours, little sister.
Angela: No it hasn't! I still have some time to change my future! I can still change Daddy's mind! Can't I?
Christopher: No one can alter their destiny, Jelly.
Angela: I wish you would stop calling me that.
Christopher: Both struggling against destiny and wishing have one thing in common, little sister.
Angela: What's that?
Christopher: They are both a waste of your time.
Angela: Kinda like the way you sometimes wonder if you're gay?
Christopher: I'm going to miss you, Angela.
Angela: Can I get your room?
Mom and Jake are sitting at breakfast.
Mom: Clear my morning schedule. Let's go shopping!
Jake: Done! Where shall we go?
Mom: Let's do Macy's. Oh, and you're going home on Thursday, right?
Jake: I'll be gone for four days; will you survive without me?
Mom: Oh, we'll toil along, don't you worry! I birthed and raised two children you know!
Jake: While maintaining your hips.
Mom: Damn straight!
Jake: Must you be so vulgar?
Mom: Must you be so particular! How is Christopher handling the news?
Jake: He's feigning indifference.
Mom: He needs some cheering up. Let's get him tickets to a concert. And make sure he has a chance to get stoned, if he wants.
Jake: A Phish concert, then?
Mom: Jake! You know he has better taste than that!
Jake: Eminem, then.
Mom: Whatever!
Jake: You remind me of Jason when you say that.
Mom: I know, Jake.
Christopher is in the living room, watching T.V.
Jake: Don't get rid of that Fubu jacket just yet!
Christopher: Why not?
Jake: You're going to an Eminem concert!
Christopher: And will you be my chaperone?
Jake: Marginally. I'm supposed to see to it that you get stoned.
Christopher: Mom's too much at times.
Jake: She just wants you to have the broadest education possible.
Christopher: Yeah, yeah, I've heard it all before. Hey do you want to hear what I learned today?
Jake: Shoot.
Christopher: It's called relativism: the Universe is what you believe it to be.
Jake: No it isn't.
Christopher: It isn't?
Jake: Nope.
Christopher: What is it, then?
Jake: Let me put it this way. Christopher! No matter what Universe you choose to believe in, you still ain't gay.
Christopher: Forget Eminem! I want to go see Cher!
Jake: Oh, god.
Jake and Mom are in the kitchen, at breakfast.
Mom: Have you got tickets to go see Eminem yet?Jake: No. We're going to see, uh, Cher.
Mom: He's still not over that phase?!
Jake: It's lasting longer than it should; kinda like his acne.
Mom: Hmm. What types of women go to Cher concerts?
Jake: Lesbians and fag hags.
Mom: Which are cuter?
Jake: Oh no you don't! I see where this is headed!
Mom: Jake! While you know that I think it is OK for him to question his sexuality—after all my brother, your partner Jason was gay!—let's get one thing straight—
Jake: There's that word again—
Mom: I want grandkids.
Jake: For the love of! Stop worrying! He's not gay! He knows it, you know, I know it!
Mom: Jake!
Jake: Alright, alright! I'll try to find him a cute fag hag.
Mom: Is that possible?
Jake: I don't think you want him scoring with a dyke.
Mom: You know, you're right. And no three-ways.
Angela is in her room, surfing the internet.
Christopher: The Online Dictionary of Philosophy? Whatcha looking up there?
Angela: Daddy told me to look up causality.
Christopher: Why?
Angela: I asked him what makes you such an asshole.
Christopher: You're too young to be using words like causality Jelly.
Angela: Shouldn't you be packing for college?
Christopher: That won't be for another year, little sister.
Angela: Let's see if I can find eternity.
Christopher: You should also try purgatory.
Dad is in the living room, watching television.
Christopher: Whatcha watching?
Dad: A documentary on the evils of private corporate media.
Christopher: On PBS?
Dad: No, you dope. On Fox.
Christopher: You shoulda told Angela to look up genetics instead of causality! The reason I'm such an asshole is because you're my father!
Dad: Christopher!
Christopher: What?
Dad: You're adopted!
Christopher: I'm gonna go pack now.
Christopher is in his room, packing for the Cher concert.
Angela: I thought it was too soon to pack for college.
Christopher: I'm not packing for college; I'm packing for the Cher concert.
Angela: Three suitcases? You certainly pack like you're queer.
Christopher: Dad's watching TV. Go bother him.