Adam and Eve entwined under a bower
Adam: You know, Eve, sometimes I feel like I’m the first man to discover I have a cock between my legs.
Eve: Oh, don’t worry, Adam. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re gay.
Adam: Thanks, Eve. That’s comforting.
Eve: Any time.
Adam: Hey, Eve! Take a look! God’s made us a companion!
Eve: My, my. God crafts well.
Adam: He does indeed.
A man descends from heaven
Adam: And what’s your name?
Todd: My name’s Todd.
Eve: Oh, please tell me you’re bisexual!
Todd: Of course.
Eve: O, thank you Lord!
God: You’re welcome.
Todd: So this is Paradise?
Adam: Yep.
Todd: Seems dull. What is there to do around here?
Eve: Oh, nothing much. Eat. Drink. Be merry.
Todd: Is that supposed to be a euphemism?
Adam turns to Eve
Adam: He picks up fast, doesn’t he?
Eve: Good thing. I like intelligent men.
Todd: So do I.
Eve rolls her eyes
Eve: I’m going for a walk.
Eve pouts under the Tree of Knowledge. Satan descends from a branch.
Satan: Hello, Eve! Why the long face?
Eve: I’m bored.
Satan: Where’s Adam?
Eve: He’s getting to know Todd.
Satan: Biblically?
Eve: What’s that supposed to mean?
Satan: Oh, you’ll find out.
A bush rustles nearby. A woman emerges and drops a book.
Satan: Looks like God’s been busy.
Eve: And what’s your name?
Robyn: My name’s Robyn.
Eve: Oh, please tell me you’re bisexual!
Robyn: God warned me about your obsession with sex.
Eve: I am not obsessed with sex!
Robyn: Whatever you say. So what is there to eat around here?
Eve: You’re hungry already? But you just got here!
Robyn: Give me a break. God made me walk.
Satan: This fruit is pretty tasty.
Eve: Don’t pay any attention to him.
Robyn: Why not?
Eve: We’re not supposed to eat from this tree.
Robyn: Why not?
Eve: Because God said so.
Robyn: And you do everything he says?
Satan turns to Eve
Satan: I like the way she thinks.
Under the Tree of Knowledge. Adam enters.
Adam: Hey Eve! Todd just showed me this position you gotta try!—Oh, hello! Where did you come from?
Robyn: Oblivion, apparently.
Eve: Be careful. She’s a trouble maker.
Adam: Yes, but a pretty one. Would you like to go for a walk with me?
Eve turns to Satan
Eve: And God says I’m obsessed with sex?
Robyn: Sorry, Adam. You’re not my type.
Adam: But—
Eve: About time! Would you like to go for a walk with me instead?
Robyn: Definitely. It’s getting crowded around here.
Robyn and Eve exit
Satan: My my, you look glum. You know what always cheers me up when I’m feeling down? Eating. Care for an apple?
Adam: No, thanks, I have this weird feeling in my belly.
Satan: Hunger?
Adam: No, not that one.
Satan: Ah! I think it’s called “rejection.”
Adam: How come you know so much?
Satan: I don’t fear my appetite.
Adam: I don’t understand. This is Paradise. There’s not supposed to be any pain in Paradise.
Satan: It sounded like you were in pain earlier.
Adam: No, that was pleasure.
Satan: Are you so sure?
Adam: Yes, I’m sure! It’s just that, things used to be. . . simpler. It just used to be me, and all the animals, and God—
Satan: And a sore wrist.
Adam: And now I don’t understand anything anymore.
Satan: I’m sorry, Adam. Is there anything I can do to, you know, to comfort you?
Adam: Eww, gross! I’m not into that!
Satan: I’m sorry, Adam. I’m not trying to take advantage of you.
Adam: I know, Satan. It’s just that I’m trying to figure things out. I’m trying to think. . . If this is Paradise, and I’m feeling pain. . .
Adam reaches for an apple. A voice calls over.
Todd: Yoo hoo! Adam! It’s my turn!
Adam: Coming!
Adam runs off
Satan: Ssssss.
Robyn and Eve, entwined in a glade
Robyn: So let me get this straight. This is Paradise.
Eve: Yep.
Robyn: And an omnipotent God sees and hears and knows everything we do and say and think.
Eve: That’s right. It’s called omniscience.
Robyn: Thank you, I know what it’s called! And doesn’t that creep you out, just a little?
Eve: What? That God sees and hears everything I do?
Robyn: Yes: he hears you having sex all the time. . .
Eve: Oh, don’t worry about it! You get used to it.
Robyn: What is God, some kind of pervert?
Eve: Be careful! He’s listening!
Robyn: Well, presumably he just heard you and me getting to know one another.
Eve: Yeah, so?
Robyn: Um, do you even know what a pervert is? Have you ever read a dictionary?
Eve: What’s a dictionary?
Robyn: Oh, god. And you call this Paradise?
Eve: God! What’s a dictionary!
God: I’m a dictionary.
Eve: Thank you!
God: You’re welcome.
Robyn: That’s a neat trick. Can I try it?
Eve: Sure, go ahead.
Robyn: God! What’s a pervert?
God: I am not a pervert!
Robyn: I rest my case.
Adam and Todd, entwined near a thicket
Adam: Wow. I feel like I’ve been missing something.
Todd: What do you mean?
Adam: Well, it’s just that, when you only experience one thing—
Todd: I get it. You were sexually bored.
Adam: Not one for subtlety, are you?
Todd: What would subtlety gain me?
Adam: Can we change the subject?
Todd: Fine by me. What was it like when you first got here?
Adam: I felt kinda privileged, seeing the dawn of creation and all.
Todd: Were you lonely?
Adam: Not at first. God gave me a lot to do.
Todd: Like what?
Adam: Like naming all the animals.
Todd: Wow. That’s impressive. How many of them are there?
Adam: I dunno. I got bored after ten.
Todd: So when you said “I named all the animals” you were, uh, lying?
Adam: You talk too much.
Todd: Fine. Top or bottom?
Adam: Oh, you choose.
Satan under the Tree of Knowledge. Robyn enters.
Robyn: I’m glad you’re here. I want to talk to you.
Satan: I thought you might. Where’s Eve?
Robyn: Sleeping. Can I ask you something?
Satan: Certainly.
Robyn: Is God listening?
Satan: Even He gets bored hearing all of creation continually awash in orgasm.
Robyn reaches under the bushes through which she entered. She pulls out a book.
Robyn: What’s this?
Satan: That is a dictionary.
Robyn: How do you know that?
Satan: I don’t fear my appetite.
Robyn: What is this tree called?
Satan: This is the Tree of Knowledge.
Robyn: But this list of words, isn’t this knowledge?
Satan: A list of words is not knowledge.
Robyn: Yes, but isn’t knowledge of words a precursor to knowledge?
Satan: You are wise. Where did you find it?
Robyn: Just outside oblivion.
Satan: Strange. I wonder who put it there.
Robyn: I was wondering the same thing. It was weird, when I opened it up, there was this, this thrill—
Satan: And somehow—
Robyn: And somehow I knew how to read.
Satan: You know what, I don’t think you’d enjoy this fruit.
Robyn: Why do you say that?
Satan: You already know all that this fruit would teach you.
Robyn: Really? How do you know that?
Satan: How else would I be speaking with you?
Robyn: I don’t trust you.
Satan: You are wise. May I ask you a question?
Robyn: Sure.
Satan: Does your list of words contain “murder?”
Robyn leafs through the dictionary
Robyn: It’s not in here. What does it mean?
Satan: It is simply a sin you have yet to enjoy.
Robyn: Really? Is it a sexual position? How do you know I haven’t enjoyed it?
Satan gestures to an apple
Robyn: I don’t trust you.
Satan: You are wise.
Todd enters, grabs an apple and brings it to his mouth. Robyn slaps it out of his hand.
Todd: Hey! I was just about to eat that!
Satan: She’s not very polite is she?
Todd: No, she is not.
Robyn: I’m sorry. It’s just that, it’s just that—Hey, what’s your name?
Todd: My name’s Todd. Please don’t tell me you’re horny.
Robyn turns to Satan
Robyn: Why is it that men can only think of one thing?
Satan: God programmed them that way.
Todd: Well, if you aren’t horny, then why won’t you let me eat?
Todd reaches for another apple. Robyn slaps his hand.
Satan: I tire of this.
Todd: Me too. What do you mean God programmed me to be this way?
Satan: You shall be fruitful and multiply.
Todd: Fruitful? Multiply? How can I be fruitful if she won’t let me eat any fruit?
Satan: I am leaving.
Satan slithers off
Todd: What’s his problem? And what’s your problem?
Robyn: I want to show you something.
Todd: Is it a sexual position?
Robyn: No! A dictionary!
Todd: What’s a dictionary?
Robyn: This is a dictionary!
Robyn raises the dictionary
Todd: Is it edible?
Robyn: I hate men!
Adam enters
Adam: Why do you hate men? You haven’t even had sex with one yet.
Todd: And I haven’t had sex with a woman yet.
Adam: And I haven’t had a three way yet.
Robyn: And I don’t care!
Adam: Hey! What’s that?
Todd: She’s obsessed with it. She says its a dictionary.
Adam: God! What’s a dictionary?
God: I’m a dictionary!
Adam: Thank you!
God: You’re welcome.
Todd: Wow. Does that mean this dictionary is God?
Adam: I don’t know. Ask it a question.
Robyn: This book is not God!
Todd: What’s a book?
Robyn: This is a book!
Adam: Wow. It has more than one name?
Todd: That’s totally weird. How can it have more than one name?
Robyn: Two words can refer to one thing!
Todd: How do you figure?
Robyn: It’s called a synonym!
Adam: Wow. It has three names?
Todd: That’s totally weird. How can it have more than two names?
Adam: It’s a synonym—
Todd: And a book—
Adam: And God—
Robyn: This book is not God!
Todd: I think she’s confused.
Adam: That would explain why she hates men.
Robyn storms off
Adam: I’m bored.
Todd: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Adam: I think so. Let’s find Eve. And I get to be in the middle.
Todd: Of course, dear.
Todd, Adam, and Eve entwined under a bower
Adam: God, that felt good.
Eve: Can I be in the middle next time?
Adam: Maybe. Let me think about it.
Todd: Is he always this selfish?
Eve: Usually.
Adam: I’m not selfish! I’m privileged!
Todd: How do you figure?
Adam: I am God’s first, after all.
Eve: That’s one fact he rarely lets me forget.
Todd: You two have problems.
Adam: And now that there are three of us—
Eve: There are four: you’re forgetting Robyn.
Adam: She doesn’t count.
Eve: Why not?
Adam: She doesn’t like men.
Eve: I think I’m beginning to understand her point of view.
Adam: What was I saying? Oh, now that Todd is here, we can try even more positions!
Todd: Hey! Don’t blame your appetite on me!
Adam: I’m not blaming you for anything.
Todd: I’m beginning to feel that you only want one thing from me.
Eve: You know, you two are starting to sound like a married couple.
Adam & Todd: You stay out of this!
Eve: Fine. I’m going to go find Robyn.
Adam: Fine.
Todd: Fine.
Adam: Oh, and feel free to take your time.
Robyn, by a brook, crying over the dictionary. Eve enters.
Eve: What’s wrong, Robyn?
Robyn: Nothing! Leave me alone!
Eve: Is it the men? Did they upset you?
Robyn: No! Yes!
Eve: Don’t let them bother you. It’s not their fault they only think about sex.
Robyn: I don’t care!
Eve: You don’t care? About what? Sex?
Robyn: No! Yes!
Eve: You’re confusing me.
Robyn cries out
Robyn: Why does this place exist?
Eve: What? I don’t understand.
Robyn: Paradise! Why does Paradise exist?
Eve: Because God wants us to be happy.
Robyn: Do you actually believe that?
Eve: Of course I do.
Robyn: But I’m not happy.
Eve: Why not?
Robyn: Because of this!
Robyn shows Eve the dictionary
Eve: What is it?
Robyn: It’s a dictionary.
Eve: God—
Robyn: Oh, no.
Eve: What’s a dictionary?
God: I’m a dictionary! And stop asking me that question!
Eve: Yes, Lord! That was weird.
Robyn: What?
Eve: He’s never been annoyed before. Wait a second. You just said that that thing. . .
Robyn: It’s a book!
Eve: Book? What’s a book?
Robyn: It’s a synonym for this!
Eve: Wait a second. You’re confusing me. God! What’s a book?
God: Nothing!
Eve and Robyn, dumbfounded
Eve: Nothing? That was weird. God knows everything. Wait a second. God! What is Robyn holding?
God: Nothing!
Eve: Nothing? Ok. Now I’m scared.
Robyn: Me, too! Maybe that serpent can help us!
Eve: I’m not so sure about that,
Robyn: Let’s go find him!
Eve: Ok! But be careful! God is watching!
Robyn: Yes, but he can’t see this!
Eve: Shh!
Adam and Todd, entwined
Adam: I can’t get enough of you.
Todd: Yeah, well, I don’t know how much more of your appetite I can take.
Adam: Well, we can talk for a while.
Todd: Ok. What’s up with the serpent?
Adam: Who? Satan?
Todd: Yeah, I guess. He says strange things.
Adam: We’re not supposed to pay any attention to him.
Todd: I gathered that. Earlier, he said something strange that I didn’t understand.
Adam: What did he say?
Todd: He said “God programmed me this way.”
Adam: What way?
Todd: You know. . .
Adam: Oh! That way! Well, what else are we supposed to do? This is Paradise, after all.
Todd: At times, it seems that way.
Adam: How sweet. You know, I was thinking. If we convince Robyn that she likes men, then we can see what its like with four!
Todd: Do you have to ruin every special moment?
Adam: What do you mean?
Todd: Never mind.
Adam: I still think you talk too much.
Todd: I’m going for a walk.
Adam lounging, aroused. Satan rises from the grass.
Satan: You look content.
Adam: I’m imagining what it’s like with four. Hey. Have you met Robyn?
Satan: Yes. She seems confused.
Adam: I was thinking the same thing. It just doesn’t make sense.
Satan: What doesn’t make sense?
Adam: Not loving men. I mean, everyone should love men! I love myself, don’t I?
Satan: Not if you can help it.
Adam: Stop kidding around! You know what I mean. I mean, why else would God create man first? I love myself, and I’m a man.
Satan: And Todd loves you, and he’s a man.
Adam: Exactly! It makes perfect sesnse. I love men, and I came before Eve. And Todd loves me and he came before Robyn. Men come before women. . .
Satan: To their sorrow.
Adam: So everyone should love me! What? What did you just say?
Satan: Shh. I hear something.
Adam: What?
Satan: Discord.
Todd, Robyn, and Eve stumble upon each other
Todd: What are you two up to?
Eve: Looking for Satan. What are you doing?
Todd: Geting away from Adam.
Eve: I’m sorry. Did he hurt your feelings?
Todd: He’s a little self absorbed.
Eve: Tell me about it.
Todd notices the dictionary
Todd: Oh, no. Is she going on about that, that sin thing again?
Robyn: It’s not a sin! It’s a dictionary!
Eve: It’s not a dictionary! It’s God!
Robyn: It is not God!
Todd: I thought you said earlier it was a sin or something.
Robyn increasingly agitated
Eve: Wait a second. God! What’s a sin?
God: Nothing!
Todd: See! A sin is nothing. But she’s still obsessed with it!
Robyn: It is not a sin! It’s a book!
Eve: God just said a book is nothing.
Todd: I thought a book is a sin!
Robyn shrieks
Robyn: It is not a sin! A book is a synonym for THIS!
Robyn, in frustration, whacks Todd on the temple with the dictionary. He falls as Adam enters.
Adam: Hey! What are you all up to?
God thunders
God: What hast thou done!
Adam: What’s going on? Do you still hate men?
Robyn: Leave me alone!
God: Silence! I cast thee out!
Paradise dissolves as mortality grips Adam, Eve, and Robyn. Robyn drops the dictionary, which falls open on the ground.
Adam & Eve: God! No!
Robyn screams in pain and grabs her ankle. She falls by the dictionary as Satan rises.
Robyn: Why did you bite me?!
Satan: I want to show you something.
Satan gestures to the dictionary. Robyn reads aloud, in pain.
Robyn: “Murder. To kill with intention. To cause someone to die.” Wait. Did I just—
Robyn dies
Eve: Robyn!
Todd, Robyn, the dictionary, and Satan fall to dust. Adam and Eve clutch one another, sobbing.
Adam: Eve?
Eve: What?
Adam: I think I’m gay.