What if the presidency of George W. Bush never ends?
In the Oval Office
Adviser: Mr. President.
Bush: Yes?
Adviser: An unidentified flying object has been sited approaching the White House.
Bush: What does it look like?
Adviser: It appears to be a flaming chariot, attended by hosts of angels, and bearing a man who resembles Jesus Christ.
Bush: Is the Vice President in his undisclosed location?
Adviser: Yes, Mr. President.
Bush: Are the defensive missile batteries online?
Adviser: Yes, Mr President.
Bush: Please fire on the chariot.
Adviser: But, sir!
Bush: No buts. The apocalypse shall not occur on my presidency.
Adviser: But firing on the Messiah, sir! Aren’t you afraid for your immortal soul?
Bush: I’m not in the mood for comedy. Just take the damn chariot out!
Adviser: But sir, if Jesus has come again!
Bush: Listen, asshole, if he was resurrected once, he can be resurrected again.
Adviser: Impeccable logic, sir.
Bush: Thank you. Oh, and be sure to use the heat seeking missiles.
Adviser: Of course, sir.
Bush: Now leave me alone. Tom and Jerry is starting.
Adviser: Yes, sir.
In the Oval Office
Adviser: Sir?
Bush: What is it now?
Adviser: I’m afraid the heat seeking missiles failed to take out the flaming chariot of Jesus.
Bush: What happened!
Adviser: Some of the heavenly host intercepted the missiles and converted them into ploughshares.
Bush: What the fuck is a ploughshare?
Adviser: If you recall the second book of Isaiah, sir. . .
Bush: Listen, asshole, don’t quote biblical passages to me. I am the Bible!
Adviser: Yes, sir. But what should we do about the flaming chariot?
Bush: Bring the tactical nuclear warheads online.
Adviser: Sir, detonating a nuclear warhead in the Capitol would have grave consequences.
Bush: No shit, Sherlock. But then we can have the New York Times blame the attack on Al Qaeda and expand the Patriot Act.
Adviser: But Congress is in session, sir.
Bush: Even better. I want to see Pelosi’s approval rating vaporized.
Adviser: But what about your personage, sir.
Bush: In case of catastrophe, Vice President Cheney has orders to activate my clone.
Adviser: You think of everything, sir.
In Vice President Cheney’s undisclosed location
Adviser: Mr. Vice President?
Cheney: Yes?
Adviser: Washington D.C. has been vaporized by a nuclear strike.
Cheney: Who ordered the strike?
Adviser: The strike was ordered by Mr. Bush.
Cheney: Is the New York Times blaming Al Qaeda?
Adviser: Yes sir.
Cheney: And the flaming chariot of Jesus?
Adviser: Unaffected sir. The chariot and its heavenly host are now on route to this location.
Cheney: Shit. Have you activated the president’s clone yet?
Adviser: Yes, sir. It is thawing out right now.
Cheney: Excellent.
Adviser: Sir, what should be done about the nuclear fallout?
Cheney: Call Halliburton. Have them clean it up and begin a reconstruction project.
Adviser: Yes, sir. And the survivours?
Cheney: I suppose we can’t send them to Walter Reed any more.
Adviser: No, sir. That is not an option.
Cheney: Deport them to Mexico.
Adviser: Yes, sir.
In Vice President Cheney’s undisclosed location. Bush enters.
Bush: Yo, Cheney! What up!
Cheney: We have a problem.
Bush: Down to business, eh? Ok. What happened to my predecessor?
Cheney: Your predecessor ordered a nuclear strike against Washington D.C.
Bush: Then what’s the problem? You’ve already granted Halliburton the reconstruction contract, right?
Cheney: Yes, Mr. President.
Bush: The New York Times is covering our asses, right?
Cheney: Yes, Mr. President.
Bush: Don’t tell me you’re concerned about casualties.
Cheney: No, I’m not!
Bush: Then what’s the problem?
Cheney: Don’t you care why your predecessor nuked D.C.?
Bush: I probably just wanted to see a sound and light show.
Cheney: That you did. But I’m afraid the root problem remains.
Bush: And the root problem is?
Cheney: A flaming chariot driven by Jesus.
Bush: Oh, shit. Are you trying to tell me its armageddon?
Adviser: It appears that way, sir.
Bush: And a nuke failed to take out the flaming messiah?
Adviser: Correct. The Prince of Peace appears to be immune to violence, sir.
Bush: How odd.
Cheney: It’s totally fucked up!
Bush: If violence doesn’t work, I’m afraid we’re out of options.
Adviser: Perhaps repentance is in order, sir.
Bush: Don’t be an asshole. We need a diversion.
Cheney: Something to increase world wide panic.
Bush: Hmm. I’ve got it! Nuke Jerusalem!
Adviser: Excellent plan, sir.
Bush: Thanks. What’s for dinner?
Bush’s televised speech after the destruction of Jerusalem
Bush: My fellow Americans. The dreaded day we have long feared has finally arrived. Islamic terrorists have used nuclear weapons of mass destruction to destroy our nation’s capital and the capital of our ally, Israel. We do not as of yet know how many innocent civilians have been killed. Rescue crews are attending to the grievously injured who are being transported to radiation treatment centers. In consultation with heads of state around the world, I have declared a state of emergency and have temporarily declared martial law, for your protection. Make no mistake: We are at war. And our enemy is as relentlessly determined to destroy our way of life as they are evil. As your commander in chief, it is my sworn duty to protect you from that evil. We are at war. If we are to survive, we must make sacrifices. As your commander in chief, I will exert all of my power to ensure your safety and to ensure the survival of freedom and democracy in the world. Although this is without a doubt our darkest hour, with strength and with faith in God we shall overcome this crisis and conquer the threat of Islamic terrorism, wherever it resides. In this, our darkest hour, I beseech all the people of the world to pray for our salvation. And to our enemies I bring this prophecy: We are coming for you. And we will not stop until freedom, righteousness, and democracy prevail. Good night. And may God protect us all.
The cameras go down
Cheney: Nice job. Much better than your post 9/11 speech—more Churchilian.
Bush: Thanks. My predecessor made me memorize that speech. He was hoping to deliver it. Even though he couldn’t, I’m glad I did.
Adviser: Excellent job, Mr. President.
Bush: Thank you.
Adviser: Sir, dinner is ready. Quail.
Bush: Great! I forgot to compliment you on the fine hunting, Dick.
Cheney: Thank you, Mr. President.
Bush: Oh, and I forgot to ask. Where are Laura and the girls?
Adviser: They were on holiday visitng the Wailing Wall.
Bush: No shit?
Adviser: No shit, sir.
Bush: Too bad bad. Bring me Monica Lewinsky and and some Viagra.
Adviser: Yes, your majesty.
In Vice President Cheney’s undisclosed location, after dinner
Bush: That was delicious quail, Dick. Nice catch!
Cheney: Thank you, George.
Adviser: Excuse me, Mr. President.
Bush: Has Monica Lewinsky arrived?
Adviser: No, sir. And I regret to inform you that, considering the circumstances—
Bush: Oh, right. The apocalypse.
Adviser: Correct, sir. We are having a very difficult time locating Ms. Lewinsky.
Cheney: And the status of the flaming chariot of Jesus?
Bush: The flaming messiah is on route to what’s left of Jerusalem.
Adviser: Mr. President! How did you know!
Cheney: My god! He’s right?!
Bush: I am the Bible. I should know. I am the Bible. My predecessor told me so.
Adviser: Sir, perhaps you shouldn’t take what he told you literally.
Bush: Blessed is the one who reads aloud the words of prophecy: I am the alpha and the omega, who is and who was and who is to come.
Adviser: Sir, I’ve just been informed that Monica Lewinsky has arrived.
Bush: I am a prophet! Worship me! And bring me my Viagra!
In a replica of the Oval Office
Monica: Mr. President! What is this place!
Bush: You recognize it?
Monica: Of course I do! But the White House! D.C.! Jerusalem!
Bush: Our enemy is relentless. But here, you are safe.
Monica: Where am I?
Bush: Deep underground, in a haven built for such a dread day. A day of destruction. A day of revelation.
Monica: Why am I here?
Bush: I know you have a thing for presidents.
Monica: Mr. President!
Bush: Call me Bill.
Monica: Excuse me?
Bush: I mean George! Call me George!
Monica: Mr. President! I regret that day! Don’t make me. . . I’ve repented that sin!
Bush: Hush, child. Do not fear. I am here to take away your sins. And the sins of the world.
Monica: What? Who are you? What are you?
Bush: Come, child. Partake of my body. For it is holy.
Dick and George, lounging at ease
Bush: Great cigar, Dick. Cuban, right?
Cheney: Yes, George.
Bush: Please don’t call me George anymore. It’s too informal.
Cheney: Uh, yes, Mr. President. How was Monica?
Bush: She has some great oral skills! Even though it took her a little while to warm up to me.
Cheney: She resisted?
Bush: At first.
Cheney: Don’t they all.
Bush: But in the end, they fall!
Cheney: Good one, Mr. President!
Bush: Thanks! Hey, listen to this. A little later, as she and I were getting Biblical, one thought kept banging through my head.
Bush: And what thought was that?
Bush: I will never be impeached for having sex with this woman!
Cheney: Good one, Mr. President!
Adviser enters
Adviser: Mr. Presdent?
Bush: What!?
Adviser: Mr. President, I feel that, considering the circumstances. . .
Bush: Oh, yeah. The apocalypse.
Adviser: Correct, sir. I’m sorry to interrupt, but I must point out that even though it is perfectly natural for one to seek out pleasures of the flesh in one’s final hours—
Bush: How do you know these are my final hours?
Adviser: Sir, I regret to inform you that the flaming chariot of Jesus has left the remnants of Jerusalem and is once again on route to this location.
Cheney: Oh, shit.
Bush: Already?
Adviser: I’m afraid so, sir. And I shudder to think what will happen when our Lord arrives.
Bush: The flaming messiah will never get here.
Cheney: How can you be so sure?
Bush: Because New Delhi is nice this time of year.
Cheney: What does New Delhi have to do with anything?
Adviser: Sir, I’ve just been informed that Pakistan has launched a nuclear strike against India. New Delhi is destroyed.
Cheney: That was a weird coincidence.
Bush: Coincidence, my ass!
Adviser: Sir, I’ve just been informed that the flaming chariot—
Bush: Is on its way to Delhi!
Adviser: Mr. Presdient! How did you know?
Cheney: My god, he’s right again?!
Bush: Worship me! I am omniscient!
Adviser: Sir, I think you mean you’re prescient.
Bush: Damn right I’m president!
Adviser: Yes, sir, Mr. President. But it stands to reason that after our Lord arrives at Delhi, and completes whatever business he has there, he will once again resume course to this location.
Bush: And what’s the flaming messiah’s business?
Adviser: That has yet to be determined.
Cheney: Maybe he’s gathering souls.
Adviser: Perhaps. But Mr. Vice President, there are a finite number of souls on this planet.
Bush: Yes, but there are plenty of cities left standing.
Adviser: I don’t understand.
Bush: You shall, my son. You shall.